It's not that I don't want to write, it's that I really can't. I'd much rather spend my free time relaxing after spending anywhere from about 9 to over 12 hours at school. And we of course can't forget homework. So, instead of working on my novel as I've planned, I've instead spent whatever little free time I have watching stupid videos on YouTube, microblogging, or pleasure reading. But today, that changes.
It's the end of the first six weeks, and I'll be honest. I thought about dropping almost every one of my classes at some point throughout this six weeks, because I just couldn't handle the stress of school at this rate. However, I managed to get by, sort of. I had some lower grades this six-weeks than others, but I frantically did some calculations and found that if I maintain a semi-good average, my GPA can still increase. But then, I realized: I just don't care. I literally had three breakdowns in the course of one weekend, and the week did not improve from there. It was honestly the worst week of my academic career. Despite putting hours of effort into classes projects, homework, reading, etc. I made sub-par grades that I probably could have done better on if I had just cared less about details, I could have gotten a better grade (or had just read/looked over the SparkNotes). Anyway, that was the week when I began to just burn out. From there, it's history.
Last night, I got home at 8:30 and did my APUSH quiz online, and the reading associated with it, and then moved to studying for chem. I had hoped that I could get some reading done for Lit Crit (you should join if you go to my school), because I actually enjoyed the books this year. However, APUSH was unrelenting in the hour and a half it took, and I was just so tired, at 11 PM, and not just sleepy. I set those notes down, and went to bed. I studied before class in the morning, and honestly, that was better than any preparation I had attempted the night before. I still probably did badly, but everyone else did too, so... whatever. I realized today, that I wanted to read "The Doll House" for the first time since I got the play, but school got in the way, and I could have read it, without any affect on my grades in the end. I learned from this.
I learned from this how I'm going to survive junior year, and how I will resolve to write 500 words a day of my novel, and do it. If school get's in the way of not some cute picture of cats or random YouTube vids, but my actual work, I have a simple phrase I will keep in mind at those weak moments: Forget School. To survive junior year, I will do to the system what the system does to me, and I'm not using system as some ominous word, it's literally a system, that systematically does this: reduces me and everyone else to a set of numbers. I will calculate the least amount of work on an assignment I really don't give a shit about, and just do that. I can't keep trying so hard and burn myself out even more for pointless reasons. I'll abide by this simple rule, in order to maintain 500 words a day: if an assignment is bullshit, I will bullshit. I have given up the unhealthy habit of caring so much about school that I foolishly followed in my youth. I'll still try to get good grades, but that's as far as I think I can safely go now. So, all of those stupid assignments, which are way to much work for what they're worth, will be done in a manner so mediocre, but still perfect, that I can do something that actually feels like learning. So now, instead of spending 12 hours on a folder project, I will be spending at most, 6, and if it thinks it can take anymore of my life up, it will gladly, and completely become utter bullshit.
I hate this. I wish I could go back to freshmen year, when I actually wanted to try, and cared about more than a number, but when you're reduced to a number for long enough, you become as vapid and pointless as that number, and like that number, you depend solely on robotic calculations to improve efficiency. So, I've stopped caring so much about the quality of my work, I just want a good number for it. That's the lesson school has taught me, that in order to survive, that's what I have to do. I don't like it. I fucking hate it, but I've realized that if I want any hope of writing 500 words a day, while maintaining some resemblance of a sleep schedule, I'll have to stick to the sayings.
Honestly, I'd rather finish my novel, or talk friends, or read when and what I want to, and gain something I will honestly say is an accomplishment and/or remember, than put "effort" into a project that will be seen once by a teacher, and in less than a year, forgotten. I want to finish my novel and not lack the energy to even cry myself to sleep, and with the way I've been treating school up to this point, I can't. There is no way. I also want to be a scientist (probably, honestly I have no idea, but I love science (not even school can change that)), and to be notable in whatever field I'm in, and that requires good grades from high school to spark a long chain of events that may lead to that. And while it may seem that mediocrity will eliminate this potential (you underestimate how much I love science, like, I'll do stuff in my free time for it), being alive to express said potential, and also not being burnt out by the time I reach higher education or a job, is kind of necessary. And I'm kind of screwed over in the job realm for other reasons (nothing illegal or anything, don't worry about it).
I want to finish my novel, and maybe even publish. I want to get this massive idea out of my mind, and onto paper to share with others. I also want to love school. I wish I could love all the stress it causes me. But I can't. Because if I ever had it, I could never assign numbers to my love for school, and thus, school could never understand it.
PS
Teachers at my school are awesome-sauce and great at their jobs. This is just more against the system in general, but I don't care how good of a teacher you are, I'll still do BSing over breaking down.